"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996
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"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
-Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
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"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
-Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements
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"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
-Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King
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"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my #%@# clothes."
-Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker
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"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
-Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece
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"I've won at every level, except college and pro."
-Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships
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"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
-Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota
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"He wants Texas back."
-1981 - Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations
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"One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?"
-1966 - Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning
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"I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time."
-1981 - Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis
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"But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."
-1991 -Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books:
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"I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."
-1986 - Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs
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"It's basically the same, just darker."
-1991 - Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons
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"I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."
-1996 - Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote
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"He said: 'Gosh, Dad, that mean's we're not going to any more bowl games."
-1991 - Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers
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"They can't fire me because my family buys too many tickets."
-1986 - LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children
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"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care."
-1991 - Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player
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"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
-1991 - Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins
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"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
-1987 - Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D
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"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
-1992- Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record
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"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
-1982 - Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice